Kabukichō, Tokyo. April 12, 2019. Photo by Jason Vong.
Hey. It’s me. I’m back.
A lot’s happened since I’ve been here. After meeting Markiplier back in San Diego Comic-Con 2016, I’ve been up to some traveling, some new hobbies, and maybe some new photographic techniques. But something’s amiss. Presently, time just feels like it’s moving all around me while I’m stuck in the middle of the street, watching everyone pass me in fast forward. Kind of sounds like a song. My friend and fellow photographer Jason Vong (to whom the credit goes to for the photo of me in this post) perfectly visualized this for me, and it’s hit harder this week for me than it ever has.
And I personally think it’s for rather silly reasons.
All Curry House restaurants closed this past Monday. Mikkeller DTLA also shuttered the same day. Kobe & Gigi’s memorial at the Staples Center reopened some of the wounds of loss and grief I’ve nursed over the years. A handful of things I used to do on a daily, sometimes weekly basis no longer interest me. I struggle to give proper credit where it’s due in times where I have the spotlight on me and the opportunity to share my successes with those who have helped me get to where I am today.
This weird wave of lows hit me pretty hard this week. And I think most of this is silly because I’ve grown attached to these establishments; places of business that shouldn’t be creating any sense of attachment to their offerings. But as I look into it more, it’s not so much the establishments themselves as it is the environments in which they fostered human connections I’ve made and shared. Food and booze come and go, and so do people, but it’s the talks and topics shared in these places that live on.
I’m barely even a basketball fan, but I’ve grown to watch Laker games with my dad from the earliest I can remember as a kid to the occasional Buffalo Wild Wings visits I’ve made with college friends to see them win championships. I’ve attended several concerts and events, and I return to Anime Expo every year in the L.A. Live area where Staples Center also is.
And you know what? That’s it. That’s what I’ve just now discovered as I write this. It’s the attachment to this city and these seemingly abrupt changes that have shaken me to my core. A lot of my time spent here as a resident of downtown Los Angeles has been accumulating fond memories that I’ll always remember and keep close to the heart. So when the times change, I become distraught as if pieces of me have also been lost to the marching of time. But I suppose that’s part of the stages of grief. I think I finally figured out how to accept everything that’s been happening and continue marching with my head up instead of down and behind me.
I imagine I was looking up at that moment in Kabukicho in Tokyo not even thinking about when I’d be flying back home. That moment was mine, I thought it was going to last forever, and I was sharing it with some of the best company I’ve ever had. That specific moment with that specific group of people may or may not happen again, but I’ll always have that moment through a photo to remember it by. And through photos and memories of places and people, I can hope to not only remember them but also create new memories in tribute or inspiration to these past moments.
And that’s what I and so many others will likely do after coming to accept Kobe’s passing and all of those lives on-board he was traveling with. We continue to remember and pay our respects by simply living on. We hope to live and continue creating memories in honor of those we’ve lost in our own lives. In a sense, it seems unfair, and that’s where I can potentially become distraught again. Why did s/he have to leave us when s/he had so much more to give in this life? Why am I so hopelessly attached to a city that probably could care less about me once I leave it?
Our lives are ours to make of it. Grief and loss are normal parts of life. Accepting and paying homage to what we’ve lost by living the best we can is simply all we can do. After re-analyzing much of what I’ve been up to since I was last here, I realize that the only thing I truly have to lose is not continuing to enjoy and take advantage of the life we still have. Suddenly, life doesn’t feel like it’s moving in fast forward in now. Slowly and surely, it’s as if I can make out everyone around me again, and I can finally start moving forward again, chin up and optimistic for the new opportunities I wouldn’t be spotting if I kept looking down at my feet.
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